She wasn't making a lot of money when we first started dating. At that point, she was a professional athlete. I was not. I'm not very good at sports. I know I look like I played lacrosse for Slytherin⁽¹⁾. But I'm not a coordinated person.
She was a swimmer, and we had kind of a rocky start. Two months after we started dating, she went to the U.S. Olympic trials.
She was a top contender to make the Olympic team, and she didn't. And it is very painful when a person works their whole life at one goal and misses. And you've only been dating that person for two months. That was a lot for me to deal with on our seventh date.
What do you say to that? Be like, "Hey, sorry you failed at your dreams. Also what's your middle name? Mine's Lawrence⁽²⁾." Isn't that embarrassing? "Do you have any food allergies? Do you believe in God? Anymore?" Thank you.
这种情况你会怎么说？比如:“嘿，很遗憾你的梦想失败了。还有，你的中间名是什么？我叫劳伦斯。”那不是尴尬吗？“你对什么食物过敏吗？”“你再也不相信上帝了吗？”谢谢大家！⁽²⁾此处指的是男方的钢铁直男自杀式安慰。劳伦斯在拉丁语中的意思是桂冠，象征着胜利。另有一年一度的劳伦斯世界体育奖（Lawrence World Sports Awards），简称劳伦斯奖，是世界体坛最具影响力的大奖之一。
Also, I thought she was going to make the team, which means she would go to the Olympics, but she would also go to the Olympic village, which is famously debaucheries.
It's all of the best athletes in the world partying, drinking, romance. And my brother asked me, "What if she cheats on you?"
And I said, "Well, then she better get pregnant, because whatever she pops out, I will raise like my flesh and blood. I will be the proudest dad at field day."
Like, "That's my son!" And people are like, "Looks a lot like Usain Bolt." I'm like, "Yeah. Yeah. People said that about me at that age. They did." Thank you⁽³⁾.
Here's the twist. I've been doing comedy for ten years. I've been dating her for five years. One year ago, she started doing comedy, as well.
Which means she watched me do this for four years and was like, "Seems easy enough. Alright. If this clown can do it, scoot over⁽⁴⁾."
I always wanted my work to be inspiring but not in a "Rudy" kind of way. And she was very secretive about it.
She wouldn't let me watch, and then we got booked on a show together. And I was a little nervous for her, and I got to see her perform, and it was awesome.
Because she's good. She's really good. But she's also not as good as me, which -- Whew! Thank God!
Strong act, but don't quit our day job. Someone has to pay 3/4ths of the rent around here. Hey, thank you so much.
Ah! Fantastic. Come on. Matthew Broussard! Matthew Broussard. He'll be at the Denver Comedy Works South February 10th through the 12th.