My mom really wants me to settle down, have kids. You know, my younger brother has a 2-year-old daughter now.
And everybody's like, "Oh, now that your brother has a kid, your mom's gonna put less pressure on you to have kids." It's not true.
She doesn't put less pressure on me, she's just changed her approach. That's all.
Like, the other day, I met up with my mom and my niece, and my niece was crying.
I was like, "Mom, why is she crying?" And she goes, "I think it's because she doesn't have a cousin."
She's a genius. She's brilliant, that woman. I take my niece to go get coffee every morning. I take her to the coffee shop. That's our routine.
And I love doing it for two reasons. One, she's so cute. And two, it is so easy to pick up women. But only if I make it very clear that she's not my daughter.
So the other day, we were at the coffee shop. Some beautiful girl passed by, looked at my niece, and I was like, "Can you say 'uncle'?" "Can you say 'single uncle'?"
"Who's your single uncle, huh? Who's your single uncle who will definitely be faithful this time around because he learned his lesson?"
Even my friends are starting to worry about me. Like, the other day, my friend goes, "Hey, Eric, you have to meet a girl before you become rich because then you'll know she really loves you."
He goes, "Look at LeBron James." That was the example he used -- LeBron James.
He goes, "LeBron met his wife in high school, right? So you know she really loves him. She dated him before he was LeBron James."
I'm like, "Yeah, but it's not like there weren't signs." "Becky, you'll never guess who just asked me out. You know that guy, LeBron, who's 6'9" and averages 85 points per game?"
"Yeah, the one who was on the cover of 'Sports Illustrated' at 14 years old?" "Yeah, I think I'm gonna roll the dice⁽¹⁾ on him."
“是的，就是那个14岁就上了《体育画报》封面的那个?”“是啊，我想我要在他身上赌一把。”⁽¹⁾roll the dice 是掷骰子。一般比喻下赌注，打赌，孤注一掷的意思。
"I know it's a long shot⁽²⁾. I'm gonna go for it. I have no idea what he wants to do for his career."
"I know, for fun, he likes to hop over school buses. But for a career, who knows?" You guys have been amazing. I'm Eric Neumann. Thank you so much, everybody.
That's Eric Neumann! He'll be at the New York Comedy Cellar March 4th through the 6th.