I just found out my mom and I have the same therapist⁽¹⁾. Which is weird. It's weird. But it's fine because he's sworn to confidentiality.
Like, he can't even legally admit that he knows who my mom is. So sometimes, I like to test him to see how professional he is.
The other day, I was like, "Oh, my mom's so overbearing, man. I can't take it. She's in therapy to get help but says her therapist is an unhelpful moron. Can't even believe he has a degree, really."
He's like, "Oh, that's weird, because I have a patient whose son is a real schmuck." I'm like, "All right, touché⁽²⁾, sir. You won that battle."
I've gotten my heart broken so many times. So many times. I remember I dated this girl briefly in fifth grade. And I haven't seen her since fifth grade.
Last week, I ran into⁽³⁾ her on the street, and she goes, "Hey, Eric, remember when I broke up with you in 5th grade because the nurse pulled you out of the classroom for having lice."
I'm, like, "You mean the most devastating moment of my entire life?" "Yeah, I vaguely recall that."
I remember I was so devastated, I came back into the classroom, and some kid next to me was like, "Eric, why do you look so sad?"
I'm like, "Because Nadia just dumped me, and now I'm all alone." And I swear he pointed at my head, and he's like, "No, you're not!"